We love Daddy and boy do we miss him when he is away...

So, Daddy had to go on a business trip (OK, it was only one night, but still) and it was just the three of us. I'm not going to lie, I was nervous. We have a very set routine at nighttime and I was not sure how I would pull off being Mommy and Daddy at the same time.

Ready... Set .... Prep

Bedroom ready

Bathroom ready

I had pee pads in the chairs so I could just plop the first baby down without diapering. These babies are used to getting a bottle ASAP after shower, so I knew I had just about 5 seconds before I had a screaming baby on my hands. And I wasn't about to bathe the other baby while the first was screaming in my ear, so yes, my name is Henriette and I am a bottle propper...

Clean babies drinking their bottles

And I just got new jammies for them and it just made me happy looking at their little booties!!

My J Bear monster

My Sweet Pea fish

All done - babies did great and were no trouble at all. But let me be honest - I missed Daddy and the babies did seem a little off. Especially the next day. They were very confused that it was Mommy waking them up and they were both a bit fussy in the morning. But all that disappeared when Daddy returned in the afternoon. We have amazing babies and I have the world's best hubby!

We love Daddy!!

One down, one to go...

Next morning's tummy time - love those little buts.

Forgive and let go

When I got pregnant with these wonderful little babies, I figured I had a lot to learn - especially since I had never really done too much with babies before. We are talking perhaps 2 diaper changes in my entire life. However I didn't really expect that the ability to forgive myself was one of those things I had to learn.

Now 3 1/2 months into this I find that most of the stuff they say come naturally in terms of taking care of a baby, mostly does come naturally. However learning to forgive myself for any deviations from my expectations - that, my friends, is hard to learn for me. 

The really big issue for me was breastfeeding. I always assumed that I would breastfeed my babies for at least 6 months. Better for baby, better for mom, better, better, better. Yes, it was going to be hard, but I would do it, of cause!!
Well, it didn't work out and after 6 or 7 weeks of trying and crying, I handed in the towel. The crying didn't stop though. I could provide you with a long list of reasons why it didn't work out and I kept listing things in my head, trying to rationalize things. Trying to explain why I FAILED - so, really did it matter??

I failed at the one thing a mother is supposed to do.

This thought became so huge and overwhelming in my head that I started doubting my ability to raise my children. I was questioning my ability to bond with my babies, my ability and worth as a mother. I became so obsessed with proving that I could take care of them, that I refused most help, didn't really sleep anymore, and really was just going through the motions of taking care of the babies, as if it was just a job that needed to be done. I was so utterly exhausted and unable to see things clearly that I became depressed in the process. I put the ability to provide my babies with breast milk equal to being a good mother and lost every bit of enjoyment in the process. My husband and parents were of cause not blind to the craziness that was going on inside me, nor was I. After a night of good sleep (helped by a sleeping pill and my wonderful husband caring for the babies) and an appointment with a therapist set up, I felt like I might be able to face the world again. I stopped breastfeeding entirely.

Looking back, I wished that my thoughts on the matter had not been so black and white. I did (I think) eventually forgive myself for stopping, but I have not entirely let go. Now when I see pictures of or read about breastfeeding a part of me still hurts. I even tried to relactate - yes, there is such a thing. I put the babies to the breast to see what would happen, with little expectations about the outcome. Both latched and sucked, but with very little gusto. Over the past couple of days, I have tried a few times, none of which have been very successful - my babies like the bottle, and that is ok. I felt like I owed it to myself to try, and I did. In doing so, I think I am slowly starting to make peace with the feelings of unworthiness going through my head.

But you know what the best part about giving up breastfeeding was for me?? I actually started to enjoy my babies. I was no longer a slave to the pump and those horrible daunting breast feeding sessions where I had two babies screaming and clawing to get away. Yes, my nipples were too big. Yes, their mouths were too small. Yes, my daughter's reflux made things worse - but now, now I enjoy my babies. I bond with them. I found that bonding doesn't have to come from the breast. We smile, we read books, we explore toys, we sing and we laugh.

I love my babies and they love me.

Breastfeeding was our first big hurdle and I am sure there will be tons of hurdles. I just need to remind myself that sometimes things don't go according to the plan I have in my head - and that is OK. Forgive yourself, let go, and move on!!

A Day in the Life

When I got pregnant I started reading a lot of different blogs because honestly I was just getting bigger and more tired by day. Sometime during my pregnancy I found the Twin Talk Blog and loved reading birth stories and eventually the Day in the Life stories, where parents shares a day in their life at various stages, like 1 month, 2 month and so on. Well for the fun of it, I tried to write down yesterday's events. Every day with these munchkins is a different day. Yesterday was definitely one of the chaotic ones where they refuse to sleep at the same time = very little Mommy time, but that is okay, we are still just getting a hang of it. Well we are 3 1/2 months into twinhood...

4am - Babies are stirring in the cribs. This is not one of those stirrings that will quiet down. I go make bottles. Hubby and I grab a baby each. They both down 3oz and go back to sleep. We are back asleep at 4:15. No diaper changes done at this point.

6am - Babies start stirring again.

6:50am - I get up and make bottles, coffee and breakfast.

7:00am - Hubby and I change their diapers while still in the crib. Both babies are happy and smiling this morning.

7:15am -  Begin feeding Caroline but she is just playing with bottle. I put both down on the mat in living room while I eat breakfast with hubby. Babies are really busy looking at the Christmas tree lights.

7:30am -  Back to feeding. Joshua takes 4oz. Caroline only eats little over 2oz. I put her back down to mat. Joshua get some baby massage to relieve his gas.

8:00am - Starting first rinse of diapers and begin washing bottles. Caroline eventually decides that she is hungry again so she eats an additional 2oz.

8:25am - Return to washing and sterilizing bottles. Caroline is out like a light and Joshua continues to play.

8:45am -  Joshua is still awake and I try to do some hand-eye coordination play with him. He is not interested and I give him his toy elephant and he finally falls asleep at 8:50 while I finish cleaning kitchen, make the bed and continues the diaper cleaning routine.

9:05am - Caroline has her eyes open but is calm, so I sit down and drink 2 glasses of water while going over the recipe for dinner tonight, hoping that Caroline will take another cat nap and not wake up her brother. Nope, I take her to the other room to play with her

9:30am - Joshua wakes up. Babies play together and do tummy time while I get the 2nd rinse done on the diapers.

10:00am - Feeding - both are being really goofy. Caroline gets her reflux medication in 2oz and Joshua eats only 1 1/2oz.Seriously??!??

10:15am - Naked time. This is perhaps their favorite time of the day. I put down a pee pad, towels and extra diaper prefolds and just let them be naked while covered with their favorite fluffy blankets.

10:45am They decide to be hungry again and I feed them rest of their 4oz bottles. Caroline falls asleep. Joshua is fusses and I put diapers in the dryer. After a while I decide to take Joshua into the shower in bouncy seat so that I can get a shower, hoping that the steam will help his congestion. It does settle him down but before I know it, I'm out of hot water. Brr, nothing like a cold shower.

11:30-12:30pm -  What follows here is the twin mom's nightmare of napping/fussing.
Caroline is awake again. Put both of them in play gym while I contemplate lunch. I start an episode of the Biggest Loser on the computer while doing stuff like laundry and random house chores during commercial breaks. During this hour, Joshua falls asleep, Caroline is awake but fussy. Caroline falls asleep but Joshua is fussy. And so on and so on. They take turn waking each other up and falling asleep. Normally Caroline would be napping in her crib in the bedroom but since we are having a cold spell, we had to move cribs away from the walls since our central heat doesn't really heat our room up all that well. It just so happens that Caroline refuses to nap there when it is not up against the wall.

12:45pm -  Joshua starts screaming of the top of his lungs. Give him 4oz he falls asleep before finishing bottle (only had 2oz) and before getting his gas medication. I put him in the bouncy chair. If he wakes up, perhaps we can finish bottle, if not, I may have two sleeping kids. Fingers crossed.

1:20pm - Caroline wakes up. I change her diaper and feed her almost 4oz of fortified formula. We thicken her formula in the afternoon because this is the time that she tends to have most reflux.

1:40pm - Joshua wakes up. I change his diaper and feed him 2 1/2oz plus gas medication and he sure is farting a lot.

2:20pm - Decide to leave for walk at nearby nature center. Before we leave I change both diapers. Joshua left me a diaper filled with poop (he seems very happy with himself - it obviously made him feel a lot better).

4pm - We return from our walk. They both did great. No crying getting in their car seats, no crying in the car and only minimal fussing while walking and returning in the car. Quick diaper changes and then feeding. Joshua took forever but eventually ate a bit more than 4oz. Caroline ate 3oz fortified - all in all she is a very happy girl this afternoon (not all afternoons are like this).

4:40pm -  Both at mat for play time. I wash the bottles.

5:00pm - Singing with babies. Today they are really diggin' "Let's give them something to talk about" Caroline is showing some fussiness and possibly starting to reflux. I give her gas drops and elevate her. She actually falls asleep. Disaster avoided. Joshua not wanting to sleep. I keep an eye on him as I slowly start food prep - Brusselsprout/Tofu stir fry from Bon Appetit Magazine.

5:30pm - Daddy comes home. Joshua is again resisting a nap. I make food while Daddy plays with Joshua.

6:15pm - Caroline wakes up screaming. Daddy gives bottle but she isn't all that interested. She settles down and falls asleep in elevated chair. Joshua is in his bouncer in the kitchen with me. I rock him to sleep while cooking dinner.

6:35pm - Dinner ready both babies asleep. We enjoy some wine and dinner.

7:00pm - Joshua wakes up. We help each other clean out his nose with the NoseFrida. Hubby start feeding at 7;15 and Joshua consumes 4oz while I continue  with laundry. I have to start yet another load since I dropped Caroline's nighttime blanket while walking (that makes 4 loads today - diapers, baby laundry, our laundry and another baby load). I clean kitchen, get stuff ready for bedtime and fold laundry. Joshua eventually falls asleep on Hubby's chest.

We wait for Caroline to wake up for additional feeding. It doesn't happen...

9:15pm - Caroline wakes up. We bathe them and feed them. They are sleeping in their cribs at 9:50pm - We hop in bed too and likely won't be up until somewhere between 3-5am for their first feed of the day.

Zzzz