Forgive and let go

When I got pregnant with these wonderful little babies, I figured I had a lot to learn - especially since I had never really done too much with babies before. We are talking perhaps 2 diaper changes in my entire life. However I didn't really expect that the ability to forgive myself was one of those things I had to learn.

Now 3 1/2 months into this I find that most of the stuff they say come naturally in terms of taking care of a baby, mostly does come naturally. However learning to forgive myself for any deviations from my expectations - that, my friends, is hard to learn for me. 

The really big issue for me was breastfeeding. I always assumed that I would breastfeed my babies for at least 6 months. Better for baby, better for mom, better, better, better. Yes, it was going to be hard, but I would do it, of cause!!
Well, it didn't work out and after 6 or 7 weeks of trying and crying, I handed in the towel. The crying didn't stop though. I could provide you with a long list of reasons why it didn't work out and I kept listing things in my head, trying to rationalize things. Trying to explain why I FAILED - so, really did it matter??

I failed at the one thing a mother is supposed to do.

This thought became so huge and overwhelming in my head that I started doubting my ability to raise my children. I was questioning my ability to bond with my babies, my ability and worth as a mother. I became so obsessed with proving that I could take care of them, that I refused most help, didn't really sleep anymore, and really was just going through the motions of taking care of the babies, as if it was just a job that needed to be done. I was so utterly exhausted and unable to see things clearly that I became depressed in the process. I put the ability to provide my babies with breast milk equal to being a good mother and lost every bit of enjoyment in the process. My husband and parents were of cause not blind to the craziness that was going on inside me, nor was I. After a night of good sleep (helped by a sleeping pill and my wonderful husband caring for the babies) and an appointment with a therapist set up, I felt like I might be able to face the world again. I stopped breastfeeding entirely.

Looking back, I wished that my thoughts on the matter had not been so black and white. I did (I think) eventually forgive myself for stopping, but I have not entirely let go. Now when I see pictures of or read about breastfeeding a part of me still hurts. I even tried to relactate - yes, there is such a thing. I put the babies to the breast to see what would happen, with little expectations about the outcome. Both latched and sucked, but with very little gusto. Over the past couple of days, I have tried a few times, none of which have been very successful - my babies like the bottle, and that is ok. I felt like I owed it to myself to try, and I did. In doing so, I think I am slowly starting to make peace with the feelings of unworthiness going through my head.

But you know what the best part about giving up breastfeeding was for me?? I actually started to enjoy my babies. I was no longer a slave to the pump and those horrible daunting breast feeding sessions where I had two babies screaming and clawing to get away. Yes, my nipples were too big. Yes, their mouths were too small. Yes, my daughter's reflux made things worse - but now, now I enjoy my babies. I bond with them. I found that bonding doesn't have to come from the breast. We smile, we read books, we explore toys, we sing and we laugh.

I love my babies and they love me.

Breastfeeding was our first big hurdle and I am sure there will be tons of hurdles. I just need to remind myself that sometimes things don't go according to the plan I have in my head - and that is OK. Forgive yourself, let go, and move on!!